Kelli Through the Looking Glass

It's been a while since I've blogged about anything, and for a girl who generally has a lot to say I am finding myself not knowing where to start.

A couple weeks ago something happened, and I didn't know how to handle it. It was a transition, but unlike most transitions it was crippling. I won't get into the specifics, but let me just say that I was lost in how to take it all in. I felt like I didn't know how to function, that I was worthless, unneeded, unappreciated, etc. I just wanted to stay home, crawl under the covers and cry. I was depressed. I can't remember the last time I felt that low.

A few days later, I was at a Predators game with my friend Heather and her family. While we were sitting there, she invited me to a bible study she was having at her home for women. She told me to read up to chapter 4 in the book "Captivating". I had no idea what the book was about, but I was interested.

That weekend, Tom, Zachary and I ventured to Detroit and Columbus for a "Hockey Road Trip" as we were calling it. Because Tom prefers to do the driving, this afforded me the opportunity to read a lot. With my feet on the dashboard, my seat reclined and heart ready I opened the book. Within the first few pages I knew there was a reason Heather invited me, and there was a reason it was this book. (God often puts Heather in a place to help me, and for that I will forever be unable to express my gratitude.) There were many times I was glad I had on my sunglasses, because I didn't want Tom to see me crying. This book, in a few short chapters, told my life story, and the people who wrote it don't have a clue who I am. That being said, I think there are facets of my story that are all too familiar to many women.

As I read, I approached a section of the book that featured brief snippets of other women's stories. Through almost all of them I told myself, "That's you. That's your story." It was incredibly difficult to read, because it forced the pieces of me that I hate so much to the surface. All the pieces of my past that in some way shaped me into who I am, who I see in the mirror, a reflection I have forever struggled with. The author talked about hiding - not just physically (which I have done since I was 2 years old), but emotionally, from not only the people around you but yourself. All those little pieces I hid for years, were now visible and I couldn't stand it. I felt so much shame, and it wasn't the book's fault. It just made me realize I am terrific at hiding, and it's about time I quit that.

There are many stories from my past, the "pieces" as I often call them, but in the interest of not hurting anyone else I will refrain from sharing them specifically. I will be as generic as I can. Growing up, I struggled with feeling seen, noticed and appreciated. My biological father left when I was a few months old. That feeling of abandonment has never left the scene unfortunately. I lacked a true father figure for years, and my mother had to raise two girls on her own until I was 11. Certainly not the easiest of tasks, but I always felt pushed to the wayside. At a young age I figured out that if I excelled at school, I would gain the praise of my teachers. Later on life I realized the same thing about work. I hid in my studies and in my work. I worked hard, and in return received the praise of my teachers and employers. At times it felt like the only place I was appreciated, and until a few weeks ago I had no idea I was hiding all this pain there.

A couple weeks ago, I was told (at work) that there was no way I could continue doing the work of three people, as I had been for over a year. I was told that someone else would be doing one part of my job, and I would continue doing the other. I was devastated. The one place I sought refuge had failed me. I had failed my self. I told myself I wasn't good enough, fast enough and strong enough, and that I should have been able to do it all. Words of my childhood had crept into my work life, and I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know how to recover...until I opened this book.

This book has made me realize and question myself. Yes, all those pieces I hate about myself were brought to the surface. Yes, I did wish I was still that little girl twirling in my yellow Easter dress wishing someone would say, "Kelli! You're such a lovely little girl." Yes, I finally acknowledged my hatred for my appearance in the mirror (because when I look, I see more than my outward appearance). Yes, I woke up to the fact that I had been seeking refuge in the wrong places my whole life. I poured my all into school, work and service, and while there is nothing wrong with being studious, a hard worker or serving, there is something very wrong with using it to hide. All those times when I hid in those things, I was only prolonging the pain. I was a girl disappearing. Even now, I am wondering whether or not I should post this blog. Again, trying to hide myself.

At this time, the point driven home the most is that I have been seeking refuge in a place that wasn't safe at all (a glass house, if you will). And while not everyone reading this will agree, I know where I should have been going with all of this pain, hurt, frustration and shame. I should have been handing it over to God. For years I've been ashamed, and I've had the tools, I've known to turn to Him since I was 14. I just never realized how much I was hiding. So here I stand, feeling very naked surrounded by the shards of my life and thanking God for the proverbial broom (thanks Viv) to sweep it all away. Will it be easy? Life isn't easy...but it's worth it.

Satisfied

Shortened are the days
But they remain full
Full of His love and grace
In Him, my heart is well

Every need met - exceeded
With great expectations I asked
Every prayer answered - surpassed
With great joy I lift Him up

I must testify
He's given more than I requested
I give Him great praise
Lord, my heart you've satisfied

When the path was not discernible
When my heart ached for more
You answered every request
You wiped every tear

You filled my heart with joy
You brought peace into my life
When nothing in the world made sense
You brought about in me a reason to smile

I will lift my voice in praise
And thank you for your love always
When I ran the other way
You were always there

You never turned from me
But remained steadfast
Showing me a true father's love
Transcends bloodlines, transcends understanding

You have opened my eyes
Shown me that love is unconditional
Your actions have revealed to me
The depths of the truest love

In my darkest solitary hours
You cradled me in your arms
You loved me through the good and the bad
Even when the world turned its back

In my darkest hours
When I didn't know where to turn
I cried out to you, and you responded
Lord, my heart you've satisfied

Star Gazer

Star Gazer

By: Kelli Blankenship

Star Gazer what is it worth?

What is it worth to you?

To be made to feel

Less than worthy

 

Star Gazer you have to choose

Not because I say

But because he cannot let go

His grip ever tightening

 

Star Gazer the choice is yours

And it must soon be made

Will you choose to survive

Or will you choose to live?

 

It is up to you

There is nothing I can do

Not a word I can say

He’ll still try to sway you away…

 

From the truth he can’t stand to see

From truth staring him back boldly

In the shattered looking glass

From the truth he refuses to realize

 

Change isn’t as scary as is seems

Star Gazer you have the means

To decide you’ve had your fill

To decide you are strong enough

 

Star Gazer it is so hard for me to say

You’re a reflection of me in too many ways

The same time, the same lies

The same struggle to feast on his scraps

 

Star Gazer it pains me to say

You will never be…

You will never be Cali

There isn’t a girl who ever could

 

Star Gazer will you chose to say

That you have had enough today

That the end of your rainbow

Doesn’t settle for a Pot ‘O Deceit

 

Star Gazer you deserve all the love

The world has to offer

Don’t sell yourself short like I

Like I once did

 

A precious pearl you are

But it is time to break the chain

Star Gazer it is time

To breathe freedom, to breathe on your own

 

So until then my dear, Star Gazer

Life will be waiting

Love will be waiting

Your heart will be waiting for more

God Still Answers Prayers

This week has been fantastically amazing.  I really do mean that.  God has shown himself to me in ways I have never imagined, and it has really been on my heart to share it.

In July 2007 my father and my brother were at home in their house in Woodlawn, TN.  My dad was upstairs in the office when he heard noises outside, and decided to investigate.  He went outside and there was a truck stopped a the mailbox.  He got within 10-13 feet of the truck when he saw a man and a woman in the truck and the woman in the yelled to him, "Call 911! My husband has a gun to my head!"  My dad took off running toward the house.  He ran through the garage, closed the garage door and called 911.  During this time the woman who shouted out to him was murdered.  Two cars pulled up behind the truck and saw the man trying to pull her back into the truck.  The man then took off running in the woods behind my parent's house.

One of the people that pulled up behind the truck had a young girl with him, and my dad told the man the girl could come inside and play with my brother while they were talking to the police.  Somewhere during this time, my dad called my mom to let her know what was going on, and let her know that the road to their home was blocked off.  After calling a few people to see if she could go to their house to wait, my mother was overcome by the feeling that she needed to go home.  She drove down Lylewood Road until she reached the bend in the road two houses up from theirs where police officers were turning cars around.  The police officer came up to my  mother's car and told her she would have to turn around.  My mother said, "No!  I know what happened.  I know she's been killed.  It happened at the end of my driveway and my son is inside without either of his parents because you're interviewing my husband.  Please get me home!"  They let her park in a neighbor's driveway and escorted he home.

The woman who was killed that night was Pamela Cooper.

My father tells me he still sees her face all the time.  He also blames himself that he did not save her, that he did not do more for her.  I cannot imagine how that could feel.  I honestly believe he did all he could.  The coroner's report said that Ms. Cooper was shot 11 times.  Obviously Andrew Cooper was in the furthest place from his "right mind" that night, and who's to say he wouldn't have killed my dad?  My heart has been aching for my dad through this because I know that he's been struggling with it so much.  There hasn't been anything that anyone has said to him that could make him feel any less hurt in wishing that he could have done more and maybe saved her life.  

This was the first time in my life that I ever saw my dad vulnerable, and he most certainly had every right to be.  When I think of my dad, I think of all of his strength and integrity.  I still think he is strong and has unmatched integrity, but it was so foreign to see him like this.  For almost two years he has been interviewed and had to see pictures of Ms. Cooper that have haunted him.  For the first time in my life I felt like roles were reversed.  I wanted to protect my dad like he's protected me for so many years, but I felt like nothing I could do or say would make him feel any better.  I think dad also struggled with the fact that for almost two years, Andrew Cooper said he was not guilty.  My dad knew the truth.  He saw his face last night and knew that other than Cooper, he was the last one to see Pam alive.

Friday morning I was listening to the radio when I heard that the trial for Andrew Cooper was going to begin on Monday.  I called my mother and asked how my dad was doing.  She said, "He's ok.  He knows what he has to do."  I told her I would call dad that weekend, but for some reason I could not bring myself to do it.  It was extremely selfish of me, but I knew that once I was on the phone with him I would start crying.  It's so hard knowing what my dad has had to go through and the pain he's carried with him since that night.  I decided not to call.

Monday morning I was listening to a Rebecca St. James CD and the song that was playing was "Quiet You With My Love".  It was my Ah-ha! moment.  I got all choked up and started crying.  I felt like there was a warmth all over me and turned the radio off and began to pray.  I said, "God, I don't know what is supposed to happen today.  I don't have a clue, but I need you right now.  Lord please give Ms. Cooper's family and my father your peace today.  He wishes terribly he would have done more.  Lord please help him to know that he did all he could and guide him through his testimony today.  Let him know that he is still helping her, even today.  I don't know your will for this trial, but I just pray that it be done.  Thank you so much."

Two hours later I pulled up the website for The Leaf Chronicle.  The headline was "Cooper pleads guilty to murder minutes before trial".  I had to read it six or seven times because I was in disbelief!  All I could think to say was, "You sure answered me quickly!"  I couldn't believe it.  I was so grateful.  I instantly thanked God and started tearing up all over again.  That warmth I felt in the car was covering me and I knew the wounds Ms. Cooper's family and my dad were feeling were going to begin to heal.  Even just typing this now I feel so overwhelmed with emotion.  I called my parent's house on my lunch break that day and my mom was so overjoyed she was in tears.  It finally felt like some healing could begin.  I thank God for His grace, His peace and His love.  It did all make sense when I thought about it later.  He pleads guilty and receives a sentence of life in prison plus 25 years for especially aggravated kidnapping.  The New Testament tells us that we are no longer supposed to take "an eye for an eye".  I know that this is God's will.  If Andrew Cooper doesn't make himself right with God and accept Jesus as his Lord and savior, his punishment will be more than the courts could ever give him.  

This situation did prove to me how much God does listen, even when we think he doesn't.  Sometimes it's a matter of the timing, and we become impatient.  In this case he answered almost instantly, but I am sure the family of Ms. Cooper as well as my dad have been praying for a resolution for almost two years.  It came in the form of a guilty plea on Monday, April 20, 2009.  Praise God!

Kaleidoscope

December 9, 2008

I am in a weird mood today.  I don't know what it is all about, either.  I feel weird, at peace and overwhelmingly confident today.  I have been thinking a lot today about a kaleidoscope of topics.  I have been thinking about old friends...one in particular, that I have not seen since the last day I attended Wuerzburg American High School in December of 1998.  I just realized as I was typing that it has been ten years.  Ten years.  Is that really possible.  Ten years?  While on one hand I feel like I just saw her, the other feels like it had been an eternity.  Wow.  Ten years since I said good-bye to her and all of my other friends in Germany.  Isn't time amazing?  I can remember that day like it was yesterday, but its so incredibly distant.  I remember being so angry that we were leaving in the middle of the school year, leaving my friends and everything familiar...just to start over in two weeks back in Tennessee.  I had never in my life been so close to a group of people as I was with my friends in Germany...especially her.  I cried a lot that last day of school, but I had always hoped that I would cross paths with these people again.  Many of you I have run into again in person, some I get the opportunity to visit with in our e-mails and posts here on Myspace or on Facebook.  This is where I am so grateful, because if it wasn't for this method of communication, I would feel a void and a total disconnect from all of you. 

They say you can never go back.  I never really believed that until Leighton Barracks in Wuerzburg was turned back over to the German government this year.  We won't get to go back to see things as they were.  Our friends aren't there, our teachers have moved on and nothing is the same as we left it. In some ways I wish that things stayed the same, and in some ways I expect them to, but they just don't.  They can't.  The world, like each of us, is ever changing. Do you ever go back to a place and expect it to be exactly what it was, but it's so very different?  That happens to me every time I go home to Milwaukee.  Its all different.  Things aren't as big as they once seemed, and people themselves evolve.  This is great, but at the same time it can be slightly depressing.  I tried to contact my friend from Wuerzburg over the years.  I always felt very fortunate when I was able to get ahold of her.  I felt like I was back in that space, in that timelessness. We would lose touch all the time, which is my fault as much as it is hers.  Life happened to both of us.  But for me when we would reconnect, it was like I couldn't get out of that space of wanting to think back on all those times in Germany when things seemed perfect.  I lost contact with her again last summer.  I just found today out that things were not perfect for her during that time.  In fact quite the opposite, and speaking to me reminded her of a time in her life that she did not wish to reflect on.  Not that I was the bad part, but I am associated with a time that she no longer wishes to revisit.  Not knowing this for over a year broke me, because you all know how I pour myself into friendships.  I could not understand what was going on, but after being told this today, it all made sense.  I also have times in my life that I do not like to think of because it puts me in a tumultuous space.  As I was telling a friend of mine today, when I think of these times I feel like I am watching a movie reel of someone else's life.  I was not a good person.  By the grace of God I was able to lift myself out of that place and move on, but I had to let go of those people that were a part of that time in order to do so.  I know that I would not have been successful in my attempt to become whole again if I hung on to those relationships, and I now understand the space she is in.  I understand not wanting to go back, even if it means I cannot be her friend anymore.  I am okay with that as long as I know it makes things easier for her.  When you care about people, sometimes you just have to let them go.  You can never go back...but that is not always bad. 

I have been thinking a lot about New York today, and all of the wonderful things that happened to me and my family while I was there.  I have been home for just over a week, and I am aching to go back.  I loved New York.  From the minute I got off the train in Penn Station I was in a constant state of wonder.  This city just drips with history, culture and vibrancy.  It never stops.  Its as alive at night as it is during the day.  The people are not as I have been told they are.  Every New Yorker I met was so nice to us, going out of their way to be helpful.  I loved the smell and the crispness of the air.  I loved the chill of it on my face.  I loved watching Zachary's face as his eyes danced in such wonder.  I loved the experience of it all.  I really can't wait to go back.  There are things I would love to do the next time like see The Dakota Building and the memorial to John Lennon in Central Park.  I would love to go to Ellis Island or even a Rangers game.  I think I might like to get married there.  How perfect would that be?  Any of it or all of it would be awesome.  I feel so blessed to have experienced the city the way I did, and to have one of the greatest moments of my life happen on the 65th floor of the Rockerfeller Building when Tom asked me to marry him.  It was all so wonderful.  I keep looking down at this "souvenir" I wear on my left hand's ring finger, and I am surprised everytime I see it.  I can't believe it is real!  I keep waiting to wake up as though I have been dreaming!  I feel truly blessed.  The man of my dreams thought of everything, and most importantly he insisted that my son be there when he asked me to marry him.  I know that I am so lucky in every way.  I just don't know how it all happened!  I do know that I cannot wait for us to join our lives together.  I cannot wait for the day I can call him my husband.  He is so special to me, words will never be enough. 

Thank you, as always, for reading. 

Love and hugs,
K

Engaged in New York

December 3, 2008



I hope you're all doing well! I know many of you have e-mailed me, curious about what happened in New York. Well, here's the story.

As many of you know, we had been planning to go to New York for a few weeks. Initially we were going to go to visit Tom's mother's family in Connecticut for Thanksgiving, and then go to New York in the days following. After talking to Tom's parents a little more, they decided not to go. Tom said, "Why let that keep us from going?"

We left Tuesday night and drove all the way through until we arrived in Parsippany, New Jersey. We had decided to save a couple bucks by staying there instead of paying top dollar for a NYC hotel. Wednesday night we went to a quaint Italian restaurant in Parsippany, and got to sleep early because we wanted to take Zachary to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Thursday morning we got up early and took the train into Penn Station and watched the parade for about 1.5 hours. We noticed that Zachary was getting a little anxious about going to F.A.O. Schwartz as we had promised him, so we decided to hop on the subway and take him to the toy store. We spent over four hours there! It was so much fun. Zachary was able to play with so many toys, while at the same time giving us an idea of what he would like for Christmas. Coolest of all...we got to play on the "Big Piano". I have wanted to do that since I was a kid.

After leaving F.A.O. Schwartz, we walked down 5th Ave and looked into some shops that were open. Before I knew it we were in Rockefeller Center in front of Radio City Music Hall and the entrance to the Rockefeller Building. Tom then suggested, "Why don't we try to get a table at the Rainbow Room, or the Rainbow Grill?" We walked up to where they sell the tickets for the observation deck of the Rockefeller Building and asked if there were any tables available. They told us that the entrance was on the other side of the building, they were booked up, and that they had a dress code. So Tom said he wanted to walk around to the other side and see what we could do, and we did.



Upon arriving to the other side, there were quite a few people ahead of us in line and the gentleman who was directing people told them that the Rainbow Room was booked up, and they were turned away. When we walked up, Tom told asked if there was a table for three available. The gentleman gave Tom a funny look, handed him a menu and said, "It's Thanksgiving, so the prices are a little higher. I just don't want you to be surprised when you get upstairs." Tom looked at the menu, closed it and handed it back and said, "We'd like to have dinner." The man was obviously surprised at this. We definately were not dressed to their strict dress code, but he walked us to the elevator and said, "Enjoy your dinner." I was shocked that we were able to get in.



When we arrived on the 65th floor of the Rockefeller Building, the host greeted us. Tom told him that we wanted a table for three. The host asked, "Who sent you up here? I am all booked up?" Tom told him that the gentleman on the first floor sent us up. The host said, "Ugh. Ok, check the coats and I'll see what I can do." Tom went to check the coats, and as Zachary and I were waiting there, the attitude of the two men standing at the door seemed to really change. One of them went to their Thanksgiving display and retrieved a small decorative turkey. He came back and asked Zachary, "Do you like turkey?" Zachary nodded, and the man handed Zachary the little turkey. The man said, "There ya go little guy. A souvenir from New York." Tom came back, and the host seated us.



The view from out table was out of this world. It was very hard for me to pull my eyes from it. The whole city was below us and the lights just sparkled. It was breathtaking. I got up to take a few pictures, and then the photographer offered to take our picture. I was really surprised when Tom said that he'd like to because he's usually not into all of that.



After taking the picture we went back to our table and the waiter asked what we would like to drink. I told him that I wanted a Diet Coke, and Tom then asked me if I would like wine instead. I looked at him funny when he asked me this because he doesn't drink, and never suggests that I do. I asked him if he was sure, and he nodded. "It's Thanksgiving, and we have a lot to be thankful for." I asked the waiter if I could have a glass of Riesling, and he told me that he didn't have Riesling by the glass. Tom then jumped in and said, "Let's get a bottle, and I will have a glass, too." This threw me a little, but I took it in stride because I try not to read into anything these days. It doesn't serve me well to do so.

The waiter returned with the bottle of wine, and a basket of various breads. When the waiter left, Zachary asked if he could have some bread, and Tom told him no. I couldn't understand why Tom wouldn't let him have any bread. He kept telling him that he had to wait a bit. Tom looked up at me and began to speak, but his voice was quivering. He said, "This has been the best year of my life, and I love you so much." I told him that I really loved him and that I was so happy. He then looked at Zachary who was sitting between us and asked, "Can I give your mommy a kiss?" Zachary grinned and nodded. Tom walked around the table and when he approached my chair he got down on his knee and removed a small box from his pocket. I gasped! I couldn't believe it! He then asked me, "Would you be mine for the rest of our years?" I shrieked, "YES!" I was overjoyed; crying and laughing at the same time. I don't remember ever being so happy in my life. I hugged him so tight, and all the while he kept saying, "Open it, open it." I let go of him and opened the silver box. Inside was the most perfect ring that he had made for me. It really is amazing.


Tom returned to his chair just in time for the waiter to come back to check on us. He asked if everything was ok, and I grabbed his hand and said, "It sure is! Look what he just gave me!!" He shouted, "Oh my God! This is great! You have to celebrate!" He ran to the bar and said, "Get me a bottle of champage! They just got engaged!" I could not stop smiling. We enjoyed our meal, and soon they brought out our desserts, but they didn't just bring the three slices of pie that we ordered...they brought us every dessert they had and more champagne! They spoiled us the entire night, and even let us get a picture with them before we left.

Needless to say after three glasses of wine and two glasses of champagne I was more than a few sheets to the wind that night. When I woke up the next morning I was afraid it was a dream, that it wasn't real, but I looked at my hand and the ring was there, and the man I love with everything I have was next to me. I couldn't believe it. I get to marry this man! This man who is so loving and caring and unlike any other soul I have ever encountered. He's selfless and thoughtful, and I am so blessed that I will one day be calling him my husband.

I know what many of you are wondering...so when's the date? Both Tom and I agree that we are in NO rush what so ever. We do want to buy a house together, so there are a few things to get in order before that happens. I asked Tom if we could have a small wedding, and he told me that we can do whatever I want, and that he would actually prefer that. It will probably consist of family and one or two of our best friends. The reason I want to do it this way is because I think that in larger weddings (some, not all) you lose sight of what its all about. This huge commitment becomes more about the drinks or food you're serving than the people who are dedicating the rest of their lives to each other. We don't want to lose sight of what we're doing, so I truly hope that no one is offended by this.

I have never in my life been so sure or so happy. I am just overjoyed and I feel so blessed. I used to wonder if I would end up like that scene in Bridget Jones Diary where she says that she fears she will die alone in her apartment, and eaten by wild dogs. I did think I would be alone, and honestly never thought I would get remarried. I am so glad I was wrong! :)

Thank you all so very much for all of your well wishes. I love you all and I am so lucky to have you in my life.


Love,
Kelli

For Her

September 11, 2008

I'm always fear I will wake up only to read
That your fire which once
Burned with the brightest light
Has given up the fight

Sometimes I am afraid
You'll not come home
And the world will be left to wonder
Where you now roam

Sometimes I feel ill
As I sit here next to my fear
And all my own demons
I wish sometimes I didn't have to understand

Sometimes I don't know
Why, oh why can't I...
Be there for you when you're scared
Be there for you when you're hurt
Be there for you when you're not

Sometimes I am afraid
Of what you will do...
And your star will fall not knowing
How much we all love you.

Is this what it looks like
When a star falls down?
After putting the damage on
for far too many years?
Is this what it looks like
When a star falls down?

Your life's song isn't yet sung
Somewhere over the rainbow it lies

It's hard not knowing what I should say
When your eyes, so inquisitive
Think I hold the answers
"Birds fly over the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?"

I can only tell you
These shaking hands don't always know
But I can show you and love you
I'll be at your side, I will hold your hand

Through this hell
And all of it's fury
I'll be at your side
If only you'd let me