Sunday, September 9, 2012

Seventy-Three

Seventy Three  9/9/12

Today is September 9. This day may not mean a lot to many people, but to me it's very special. It is my grandmother's birthday, her 73rd. Oh, what a day for celebration.

I don't know what it's like for people on their 73rd birthday, what goes through their minds, their reasons for celebrating or not celebrating, but I know how my grandmother's birthday made me feel. Blessed, overjoyed, thankful, and elated are just a few of the words I can think of. You see, in August 2004 my grandmother was diagnosed with Stage IIIC Ovarian Cancer. Stage III3 means the cancer is in one or both ovaries, and one or both of the following are present: Cancer has spread to lymph nodes (any T, N1, M0) Deposits of cancer larger than 2 cm (about 3/4 inch) across are seen in the abdomen (T3c, N0, M0). (Information courtesy of www.cancer.org). My grandmother's cancer was not in her lymph nodes, but her cancer deposits were over 2 cm in size. It was a scary time for our family. The matriarch who has eaten well her whole life is now faced with the battle of her life, just before her 65th birthday. It didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair. But Cancer does not discriminate. I wondered how she would get through, and morbidly, how long she would live. A couple months? A couple years? I had no clue. No one did.

This is a why today is SO big to me. It's been 8 years since that diagnosis, and she's still here to celebrate her birthday. Grandma is undergoing chemo again, so she doesn't know how she'll feel from one day to the next...let alone one hour to the next. With that in mind, we (my family and I) decided that we would periodically visit her throughout the day. Tom, Zachary and I went over to her house this morning, and she looked better than she had in months. She had color. She was smiling. She was herself. On Friday I called her to check on how she was feeling as she had just had chemo Tuesday. She's been suffering from terrible reflux and heartburn that was so crippling she could barely eat at all. When she went to the doctor, she told him about a medicine that my mother takes for a similar problem. He looked it up and said, "Let's give it a try." You know what...IT WORKED!! When I called her on Friday she sounded SO GOOD! She raved about all the food she was able to eat and keep down. She was so happy, and that made my day. Unfortunately that news was followed by bad news. With Ovarian Cancer patients, they monitor their CA125 levels. The higher the number, the more active the cancer is. When Grandma started chemo again her numbers were in the 30's. A month later they were in the 70's. This month the numbers were in the 130's. Fear shot through me, but she told me, "We're chasing it with the chemo. It'll be ok."

The past several weeks I haven't been dealing well with my grandmother starting chemo again at all. Fear set in, deep in my bones, and was crippling. I love her so much there aren't words adequate enough to express it, and she's sick...really sick, and has been for 8 very long years and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. That sucks. It's so hard to watch someone you love so deeply go through hell and back and not seem to get better. In the last couple weeks I've shut down. I don't want to talk about it. I feel like I've told the story so many times and people are sick of hearing about it. I feel like I don't really have the right to be as sad as I am. I feel like I'm complaining, and while I don't mean to, I'm sure to some it may come off that way, and I don't have the right. I'm not the one who is sick. This past week has been the worst, largely because she was still struggling with eating, she was weak and not getting any better. All week my heart just felt heavy in my chest. I didn't want to talk. I really just wanted to be left alone. I even went to bed early...really early. I couldn't take the days anymore. I honestly cannot remember ever feeling so depressed.

As I was driving to work on Friday morning, something was nagging at me to call her, so I did. When she told me the medicine was helping her and she was finally able to eat I was overwhelmed with joy. I was so happy for HER.

It's amazing the things we take for granted, and I think being able to eat would have to be one of the biggest. Now my grandma, who absolutely loves food, can eat again, which means she can gain strength and continue to fight this cancer head on. Thank you Lord for the recommendation of the medicine, for the medicine itself, for the doctor who made the medicine and for her oncologist who prescribed it. If not for all these people, my grandmother's quality of life wouldn't be what it is on her very special day, and if you know someone battling cancer you know how special each and every birthday is.

Today I am overwhelmed with gratitude that my grandma had a good day. I know they're probably not all going to be like this, but I am so happy that on her day she was well and happy and able to enjoy her family.