Kaleidoscope

December 9, 2008

I am in a weird mood today.  I don't know what it is all about, either.  I feel weird, at peace and overwhelmingly confident today.  I have been thinking a lot today about a kaleidoscope of topics.  I have been thinking about old friends...one in particular, that I have not seen since the last day I attended Wuerzburg American High School in December of 1998.  I just realized as I was typing that it has been ten years.  Ten years.  Is that really possible.  Ten years?  While on one hand I feel like I just saw her, the other feels like it had been an eternity.  Wow.  Ten years since I said good-bye to her and all of my other friends in Germany.  Isn't time amazing?  I can remember that day like it was yesterday, but its so incredibly distant.  I remember being so angry that we were leaving in the middle of the school year, leaving my friends and everything familiar...just to start over in two weeks back in Tennessee.  I had never in my life been so close to a group of people as I was with my friends in Germany...especially her.  I cried a lot that last day of school, but I had always hoped that I would cross paths with these people again.  Many of you I have run into again in person, some I get the opportunity to visit with in our e-mails and posts here on Myspace or on Facebook.  This is where I am so grateful, because if it wasn't for this method of communication, I would feel a void and a total disconnect from all of you. 

They say you can never go back.  I never really believed that until Leighton Barracks in Wuerzburg was turned back over to the German government this year.  We won't get to go back to see things as they were.  Our friends aren't there, our teachers have moved on and nothing is the same as we left it. In some ways I wish that things stayed the same, and in some ways I expect them to, but they just don't.  They can't.  The world, like each of us, is ever changing. Do you ever go back to a place and expect it to be exactly what it was, but it's so very different?  That happens to me every time I go home to Milwaukee.  Its all different.  Things aren't as big as they once seemed, and people themselves evolve.  This is great, but at the same time it can be slightly depressing.  I tried to contact my friend from Wuerzburg over the years.  I always felt very fortunate when I was able to get ahold of her.  I felt like I was back in that space, in that timelessness. We would lose touch all the time, which is my fault as much as it is hers.  Life happened to both of us.  But for me when we would reconnect, it was like I couldn't get out of that space of wanting to think back on all those times in Germany when things seemed perfect.  I lost contact with her again last summer.  I just found today out that things were not perfect for her during that time.  In fact quite the opposite, and speaking to me reminded her of a time in her life that she did not wish to reflect on.  Not that I was the bad part, but I am associated with a time that she no longer wishes to revisit.  Not knowing this for over a year broke me, because you all know how I pour myself into friendships.  I could not understand what was going on, but after being told this today, it all made sense.  I also have times in my life that I do not like to think of because it puts me in a tumultuous space.  As I was telling a friend of mine today, when I think of these times I feel like I am watching a movie reel of someone else's life.  I was not a good person.  By the grace of God I was able to lift myself out of that place and move on, but I had to let go of those people that were a part of that time in order to do so.  I know that I would not have been successful in my attempt to become whole again if I hung on to those relationships, and I now understand the space she is in.  I understand not wanting to go back, even if it means I cannot be her friend anymore.  I am okay with that as long as I know it makes things easier for her.  When you care about people, sometimes you just have to let them go.  You can never go back...but that is not always bad. 

I have been thinking a lot about New York today, and all of the wonderful things that happened to me and my family while I was there.  I have been home for just over a week, and I am aching to go back.  I loved New York.  From the minute I got off the train in Penn Station I was in a constant state of wonder.  This city just drips with history, culture and vibrancy.  It never stops.  Its as alive at night as it is during the day.  The people are not as I have been told they are.  Every New Yorker I met was so nice to us, going out of their way to be helpful.  I loved the smell and the crispness of the air.  I loved the chill of it on my face.  I loved watching Zachary's face as his eyes danced in such wonder.  I loved the experience of it all.  I really can't wait to go back.  There are things I would love to do the next time like see The Dakota Building and the memorial to John Lennon in Central Park.  I would love to go to Ellis Island or even a Rangers game.  I think I might like to get married there.  How perfect would that be?  Any of it or all of it would be awesome.  I feel so blessed to have experienced the city the way I did, and to have one of the greatest moments of my life happen on the 65th floor of the Rockerfeller Building when Tom asked me to marry him.  It was all so wonderful.  I keep looking down at this "souvenir" I wear on my left hand's ring finger, and I am surprised everytime I see it.  I can't believe it is real!  I keep waiting to wake up as though I have been dreaming!  I feel truly blessed.  The man of my dreams thought of everything, and most importantly he insisted that my son be there when he asked me to marry him.  I know that I am so lucky in every way.  I just don't know how it all happened!  I do know that I cannot wait for us to join our lives together.  I cannot wait for the day I can call him my husband.  He is so special to me, words will never be enough. 

Thank you, as always, for reading. 

Love and hugs,
K