A couple weeks ago something happened, and I didn't know how to handle it. It was a transition, but unlike most transitions it was crippling. I won't get into the specifics, but let me just say that I was lost in how to take it all in. I felt like I didn't know how to function, that I was worthless, unneeded, unappreciated, etc. I just wanted to stay home, crawl under the covers and cry. I was depressed. I can't remember the last time I felt that low.
A few days later, I was at a Predators game with my friend Heather and her family. While we were sitting there, she invited me to a bible study she was having at her home for women. She told me to read up to chapter 4 in the book "Captivating". I had no idea what the book was about, but I was interested.
That weekend, Tom, Zachary and I ventured to Detroit and Columbus for a "Hockey Road Trip" as we were calling it. Because Tom prefers to do the driving, this afforded me the opportunity to read a lot. With my feet on the dashboard, my seat reclined and heart ready I opened the book. Within the first few pages I knew there was a reason Heather invited me, and there was a reason it was this book. (God often puts Heather in a place to help me, and for that I will forever be unable to express my gratitude.) There were many times I was glad I had on my sunglasses, because I didn't want Tom to see me crying. This book, in a few short chapters, told my life story, and the people who wrote it don't have a clue who I am. That being said, I think there are facets of my story that are all too familiar to many women.
As I read, I approached a section of the book that featured brief snippets of other women's stories. Through almost all of them I told myself, "That's you. That's your story." It was incredibly difficult to read, because it forced the pieces of me that I hate so much to the surface. All the pieces of my past that in some way shaped me into who I am, who I see in the mirror, a reflection I have forever struggled with. The author talked about hiding - not just physically (which I have done since I was 2 years old), but emotionally, from not only the people around you but yourself. All those little pieces I hid for years, were now visible and I couldn't stand it. I felt so much shame, and it wasn't the book's fault. It just made me realize I am terrific at hiding, and it's about time I quit that.
There are many stories from my past, the "pieces" as I often call them, but in the interest of not hurting anyone else I will refrain from sharing them specifically. I will be as generic as I can. Growing up, I struggled with feeling seen, noticed and appreciated. My biological father left when I was a few months old. That feeling of abandonment has never left the scene unfortunately. I lacked a true father figure for years, and my mother had to raise two girls on her own until I was 11. Certainly not the easiest of tasks, but I always felt pushed to the wayside. At a young age I figured out that if I excelled at school, I would gain the praise of my teachers. Later on life I realized the same thing about work. I hid in my studies and in my work. I worked hard, and in return received the praise of my teachers and employers. At times it felt like the only place I was appreciated, and until a few weeks ago I had no idea I was hiding all this pain there.
A couple weeks ago, I was told (at work) that there was no way I could continue doing the work of three people, as I had been for over a year. I was told that someone else would be doing one part of my job, and I would continue doing the other. I was devastated. The one place I sought refuge had failed me. I had failed my self. I told myself I wasn't good enough, fast enough and strong enough, and that I should have been able to do it all. Words of my childhood had crept into my work life, and I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know how to recover...until I opened this book.
This book has made me realize and question myself. Yes, all those pieces I hate about myself were brought to the surface. Yes, I did wish I was still that little girl twirling in my yellow Easter dress wishing someone would say, "Kelli! You're such a lovely little girl." Yes, I finally acknowledged my hatred for my appearance in the mirror (because when I look, I see more than my outward appearance). Yes, I woke up to the fact that I had been seeking refuge in the wrong places my whole life. I poured my all into school, work and service, and while there is nothing wrong with being studious, a hard worker or serving, there is something very wrong with using it to hide. All those times when I hid in those things, I was only prolonging the pain. I was a girl disappearing. Even now, I am wondering whether or not I should post this blog. Again, trying to hide myself.
At this time, the point driven home the most is that I have been seeking refuge in a place that wasn't safe at all (a glass house, if you will). And while not everyone reading this will agree, I know where I should have been going with all of this pain, hurt, frustration and shame. I should have been handing it over to God. For years I've been ashamed, and I've had the tools, I've known to turn to Him since I was 14. I just never realized how much I was hiding. So here I stand, feeling very naked surrounded by the shards of my life and thanking God for the proverbial broom (thanks Viv) to sweep it all away. Will it be easy? Life isn't easy...but it's worth it.
